The 81st Acadamy Awards

Well, it's that time of year again. Where celebrities gather and all of us normal folks talk about "who" the celluloid stars are wearing. Because I have nothing better to do while watching this I will be writing a running diary of the event. All times are CST.
7:14 pm - Year number 81 that I don't care what designers are being worn.
7:16 pm - Miley Cyrus just said that she hopes to be there next year to get an award. In similar news, I plan on being picked first in the NFL draft.
7:20 pm - They are now commentating on the outfits that the accountants that hold the results are wearing.
7:24 pm - I still love Marisa Tomei, has there ever been a hotter 44 year old?
7:31 pm - Here we go. I'm very skeptical of Wolverine hosting.

7:33 pm - Recession joke number 1.

7:33 pm - Recession joke number 2.

7:35 pm - I miss Billy Crystal.

7:38 pm - I haven't seen The Reader yet either, that was a pretty funny bit.

7:40 pm - Mickey Rourke scares the shit out of me.

7:44 pm - Well, my dream of a Whoopi-less Oscar night has officially been ruined. Can't she just go away.

7:48 pm - Penelope Cruz wins for Supporting Actress, Tomei was robbed! I promise you Marisa, I will make this travesty up to you somehow!

7:55 pm - Steve Martin and Tina Fey are fantastic together. There's a decent chance that bit will end up being the highlight of the show for me.

7:56 pm - Milk wins for best Original Screenplay, I didn't realize it was written by a 15 year old emo kid.

8:01 pm - Adapted Screenplay award goes to the Slumdog guy. I haven't seen it, but I really think it looks like shite.

8:04 pm - Jack Black and Jen Aniston are presenting for Animated Feature. I'm sure Jen loves that Brad and Angie are like 20 feet away with the best seats in the house. Wall-E wins, big surprise, Pixar wins an Oscar. Jack and Jen also present for Animated Short, some Asian dude wins for La Maison en Petites Cubes. He then sanks several people incoherently before saying "domo arigoto mister roboto." We could probably have gotten by fine if that award was given out with all the random technical awards.

8:17 pm - Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker's boobs presented the award for Art Direction. BULLSHIT! The Forest Gump remake of CCofBB beat out The Dark Knight! I demand a recount! The Duchess wins for costume design, I really couldn't care less. CCofBB wins for makeup. This trend better not carry over to the important categories.

8:26 pm - That kid from Twilight is creepy!

8:31 pm - Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix's new weird persona are presenting for cinematography. Stiller nailed it! I can't believe Portman was able to keep from cracking up! Slumdog won. Stiller stole the show.

8:47 pm - I expected more out of the Seth Rogan bit. Best Short Film was given to Spiezglekljasdfhkl, it was apparently made by Dieter from Sprokkets.

8:58 pm - Great movie musical medley put together by Baz Luhrman. Beyonce was incredible, and Wolverine is growing on me.

9:11 pm - Heath Ledger wins for best supporting actor. Not a surprise, and a great choice. I'm amazed his family was able to keep their composure. Not many dry eyes were in the audience.

9:18 pm - Bill Maher, while shilling for his own film, presented the award for Documentary. Man on Wire won. One of the filmmakers was wearing a brown leather suit with a big tan scarf and pranced towards the stage, then did a magic coin trick and balanced the Oscar on his chin. I really couldn't make this shit up. WTF. Smile Pinki then won for best documentary short film. The filmmaker was much less entertaining than the last guy, she should have tried some illusions.

9:28 pm - The Fresh Prince gives another award to CCofBB, this time for visual effects. It beat Batman and Ironman, this is a joke.

9:30 pm - Will Smith just used the phrase "Boom Goes the Dynamite!" I love it!

9:32 pm - Sound Effects goes to The Dark Knight! It must have been because they lowered Christian Bale's voice by 9 octaves.

9:33 pm - Sound Mixing goes to Apu, Dwight Shrute, and another less funny looking guy for Slumdog.

9:35 pm - I didn't realize that John Mayer and Jen Aniston were still together. They must have killed the over/under.

9:38 pm - Slumdog wins for best editing. Apparently it was edited by Moby. Will Smith is finally leaving the stage, he was on for approximately 12 minutes.

9:44 pm - I'm tempted to change the channel. I hate Jerry Lewis. He's caused me to miss quality television too many times because of his God Damn telethon. We get it! They're sick kids! Enough already!

9:45 pm - I think Jerry must have caught something from all those sick kids he was hanging around with.

9:54 pm - Zach Effron and Alicia Keys (No Talent/Talent) present the original score award to Slumdog's Rahman. Worst Acceptance Speech Ever.

10:01 pm - Slumdog's Rahman wins again, this time for original song. Second Worst Acceptance Speech Ever.

10:07 pm - Qui-Gon Jinn and some Indian chick (I'm assuming she's from Slumdog) present the award for best foreign language film. A Japanesse film, Departures, wins. The filmmaker is berry berry happy.

10:15 pm - I always enjoy the tribue to those who have died in the past year. Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac, Ricardo Montalban, Michael Crichton, James Whitmore, Charlton Heston, Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman. I do wonder why they didn't show Heath Ledger during the montage? Also, it sounded like there was almost no applause for Heston.

10:19 pm - Reese Witherspoon is possibly the most delightful person in the world. Slumdog's director Danny Boyle is presented with the award for Directing. Maybe I'll give this flick a shot, since it's probably going to win best picture too.

10:32 pm - I'm pretty sure that even though she's a member of the Green Lantern army, Jolie will not win this award. Actress in a leading role goes to Kate Winslett. I agree with this selection, it should be an absolute requirement that actresses get naked in a role to be qualified to win the award.

10:38 pm - I'd like to see Langella win for acting, despite the fact that his daughter sitting next to him is enormous.

10:39 pm - I think Sean Penn is getting a hand job as he sits in the front row at the Academy Awards while Robert DeNiro talks about how great a career Penn has had. He is a badass.

10:42 pm - Could there be two more different people than Sir Ben Kingsley and Mickey Rourke.

10:47 pm - Fresh off of a front row hand job, Sean Penn collects the hardware to a standing ovation. "You commie homo loving sons-a-guns." "I know how hard I make it to appreciate me." He did get political, not a surprise. He acknowledged the return of Rourke. Very gracious speech.

10:53 pm - Steven Spielberg presents for the last award of the evening. I'm pretty sure there isn't a vote, they just let Spielberg pick. And he picked Slumdog. Maybe I'll have to check it out.

I'll leave you with two predictions for next year. Actress in a Leading Role: Hillary Swank for Amelia. Film/Director: Inglorious Bastards/Tarrantino.