My Bloody Valentine 3D

Exactly one-week-and-a-day ago our geek-crew watched the aforementioned film. You might wonder why this review has taken so long. Was it because I wanted to allow the movie to simmer in my brain to provide a wholly accurate and insightful synopsis? No…idiot. It took me this long to write a review because I didn’t even want to think about this awful, awful movie again. But because of you, loyal reader, I choose to relieve this Valentine’s Day massacre.
You’ll notice from the title that this movie is in 3D. Hurray, I thought. The last time I saw a 3D movie was an IMAX documentary when I was 11. Just for the record, there were no boobs or decapitations in that, thus the excitement. This movie quickly proved me wrong. It starts out strong, with a very interesting opening credits scene. Newspaper headlines and crime-scene photos fly at you, providing the story’s background. Namely, due to a simple mistake, a group of miners are trapped in a mineshaft and to conserve air, one of the miners kills the others with a pick-axe. Awesome. Then the film starts. We have a creepy hospital bloodbath. Awesome. Then, a party at the very same mineshaft where the murders occurred, where hot chicks and football players are going to drink and have unprotected sex with each other. Awesome. Stupid…but awesome. It’s here that we have the only scene where the 3D truly seems necessary (you’ll know it when you see it.) And that was also awesome. Then, the movie tries to develop a plot. So…not…awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I love plot. I will love the lowest budget, straight-to-DVD, C-list movie to death, if the plot is solid. On the flip side, I want my slashers to kill because they can. That’s it. Maybe they were picked on, burnt alive, drowned but that takes five minutes of exposition. Then it’s on to sweet, bloody, brutal and totally unnecessary carnage. Not so with MBV3D (clever, heh?), after the first fifteen minutes we get the dreaded “Ten Years Later” graphic. And from there we have a movie rife with soap-opera style love-triangles (two of them), a parents-doing-the-right-thing-the-wrong-way subplot, infidelities, insanity, and a buttload of other melodrama. Sprinkle in a few killings, a (awesome, I admit) nude scene, and a “twist” ending and you have a movie, right? No…idiot.
The acting was on-par with a standard horror flick. Nothing too fantastic but I didn’t want to pick-axe any of the actors myself. Besides the plot, the 3D effects detracted from the film more than anything. The film was very dark. Not atmospheric dark…just dark. Shots were often out of focus. And for some reason, everything is filmed from behind a chain-link fence. Overall, there were a few well-executed deaths, some 3D boobs, and a gas-mask. Watch it if you’d like but I’d only give it as a Valentine’s gift if you’re trying to break up with somebody.